Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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