Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
