I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
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