Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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