This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize