Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You're a waste of cheezeits
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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