I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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