His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize