I accidentally had phone sex last night
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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