guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I skipped work to stalk him.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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