so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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