My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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