Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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