I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
