I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize