I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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