I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
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