drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
