My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Randomize
