Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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