Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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