Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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