my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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