Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
