No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
