you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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