forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
