He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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