dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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