i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
