I wish I only lived at night.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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