I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
you had me at cake vodka
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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