Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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