But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
