I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
