There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Btw I puked in your glovebox
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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