I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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