I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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