Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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