your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
