The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Randomize
