I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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