Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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