At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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