If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
