I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize