ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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