I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
