So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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