I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
