The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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