You don't have asthma, your pregnant
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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