Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
