I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
