Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
