my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
