hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
What drink are we having for lunch?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize