I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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