I got chris browned last night
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
